Thursday, January 14, 2016

God is Good - Finn Edition

Sometimes it still doesn't feel real that we have a third son. I mean I change his diapers, nurse him, bath him, enjoy him, and delight in him playing with his brothers. But it seems like a dream. Did I really carry him for nine months in my womb and then give birth to him? I guess it still seems like a dream come true, because for so many years I desired a third child and the resounding answer over and over again was "no".

We have a 15 year old, an 11 year old, and a one year old. I have three sons here on earth and three children in heaven. I treasure all six and the thought of seeing them in heaven one day.

Right after my third miscarriage, when I was sure that the door to more children was closed for me, someone I knew announced the birth of her fifth child and a friend responded to her, "God choose you to have another child, because you are such a good person and are raising such good children. You deserve this baby. Congrats to you and your husband."  I read that the day after miscarrying and I let it bother me. Was I undeserving of another child? Was I not a good enough person, parent, and Christian? Did I need to get my life close to perfect to deserve another child? I began to believe that I wasn't good enough and God did not want to give me another child.

 One day I would decide that I would have no more children, then the next I would feel a deep longing for more. I've heard people say that one knows when their family is complete. Well I did not feel like our family was complete. God slowly began to work on my heart to give up control and to place it in his hands whether or not we had more children. I had to purpose in my heart that I was good enough, I was deserving, and I was loved exactly as I was, because I was a child of God. That he gives good gifts in his time.

When we found out we were expecting we told no one. Hubby and I kept it between ourselves. I was overjoyed, yet so frightened. What if I had another miscarriage? I just couldn't bear to tell anyone we were expecting and then miscarry and have to speak those words aloud that our child had died.

At exactly three months into the pregnancy we finally told the boys and our parents and our family. The summer and fall of 2014 were sweet months. Hubby and the boys took care of me, we were showered with everything we would need for the baby when he was born, and life was grand. We prepared and made room for boy number three in our home.

On November 20, 2014 Samuel Finn was born. Our hearts grew a little more and Finn fit right in to our family.

 For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of him. 
I Samuel 1:27

2015 was a year of thankfulness for all God has given us. But 2015 was a hard year. My life is challenging at times, messy, we have more month than money, our plumbing needs to be fixed, my gray hairs need to be colored, our house is messy, the car needs new tires, boy #1 is about to get his driver's license, there are bills to pay off, I wonder about the safety of our neighborhood, I want to help hubby more than I do, I can't get caught up on laundry, the dog needs a bath, and we are in full SAT prep mode.

But I cherish and love this life I lead. I love my husband,  my boys, my family, my home, and I love God. I am loved and deserving no matter the number of children I have, no matter how much is in my bank account, no matter if I fail, and no matter if life gets hard. God is good.