Sometimes, maybe a lot of times, life is hard... really, really hard.
Sometimes, your heart breaks.
Sometimes, you pray and hope for something, but it doesn't come to pass.
Sometimes, you don't understand.
Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.
Here's the whole story (writing this down, so I won't forget).
In November, I was thrilled and surprised to find out I was pregnant. We were overjoyed to expand our family. With two children and two miscarriages behind me, I was cautiously optimistic that this pregnancy would lead to the birth of our third child. Hubby and I excitedly talked about the possibility of adding a girl to our boy-heavy family. It felt like a wonderful, surprising, beautiful gift from God.
On Thanksgiving day we told both of our families the exciting news. At my preliminary doctor's appointment, I was given a mid to late July due date. I was thrilled!
A week later I started spotting and not feeling good. I called the doctor's office and they assured me it was probably nothing, that minor spotting was okay and to call them back if it continued.
This is how it went from there. Friday, Nov. 30th- more spotting and it's much heavier, I decide to call the doctor's office and forgot that they leave at noon on Fridays. I pretty much knew that I was going to miscarry. That weekend I have finals to study for and college work to finish up. Monday, Dec. 3- I'm scheduled to teach three classes at our homeschool co-op...wondering how I'll get through them and if I will even be able to go to class. My college schedule was grueling- I had three different classes with finals, one Monday night, one Tuesday during the day, and one Tuesday evening. Each of these are for the final exam and I cannot miss. I make it through the weekend with minor spotting. I'm able to make it to our co-op and call the doctor first thing. They want me to come by for a blood test as soon as I can. They can check my HGC levels to tell if the pregnancy is going forward okay. I swing by the doctor's office Monday afternoon, pick the boys up from co-op, drop them off at home and head to my class. Tuesday morning my doctor calls me and says the lab forgot to pick up on Monday and they won't have the results until Wednesday morning.
Side note: because of my history of miscarriages and the fact that I'm a somewhat private person, except for publishing my thoughts on this blog, I hadn't told any of the ladies at our co-op that I was pregnant. I just wanted to get past the three month mark before I told everyone. On Monday at co-op, two of the Moms, at different times, came up to me and said, ,"Lori, you need to/ should have another baby." I kind of nodded and smiled. Perhaps, I should have been truthful and replied, "I'd absolutely love to, and in fact am pregnant right now, but am almost sure that I am at the beginning stages of a miscarriage."
I get through my exams on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday morning the doctor calls and says that my HGC levels dropped significantly lower than before and that I am for sure going to miscarry. By the end of the week, the pregnancy is over.
A few days later at my appointment, the doctor's words are this, there's no reason that I can't sustain a pregnancy.. I could go for lots of testing, but they would probably turn out inconclusive...and he says with any future pregnancy, I will have a 50% chance of miscarriage. He says to me, "the question you and your husband have to decide is are you content with your two children or do you want to try for more and possibly have to go through this again."
Tears have been shed and six months have gone by. Soon my due date will come and go. The addition to our family, that we were so thrilled to meet, will not come.
I've had and continue to have lots of questions. I'm so grateful that I got married young and had my two wonderful boys when I was in my twenties. I'm so grateful for my sons. I'm so grateful for my husband and our home and how our needs are always provided.
Miscarriage is depressing and grueling and painful and heartbreaking.
But the story doesn't end there.
How I would love to hold another of my babies in my arms here on earth. I'm not sure if that will happen or not. But what a comfort and beautiful thing that my three babies that did not make it to term, are in heaven and that one day I will see them. What a hope!
God has ministered to me and I've pondered a lot these past months. He hasn't left me and I'm not forsaken.
On our last day of co-op last month in my 8th grade Literature class, the students were asked to pick any book they wanted to and give an oral book report on our last day. I assigned the students to share their favorite part of the book. One girl chose, Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo. She proceeds to give her report. Her most favorite part of the book- the young boy, who is describing to his father his visit to heaven, tells how he met a young girl in heaven and she explains to him that she is his sister. He asks her what her name is and she replies that she doesn't have a name yet, because she is waiting for her Mom to come to heaven to name her. The young boy's mother had had a miscarriage before he was born, but had never told him.
I love the verse above, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." But that's not the whole verse.
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.
never will I forsake you.
Hebrews 13:5 NIV
During the time of all of this happening, a church near our house, that I passed every time I went somewhere, had this verse on their sign:
But godliness with contentment is great gain.
I Timothy 6:6 NIV
So I'm moving forward, hoping, yet being fully content with our family right now, just as it is.